Standing Still In The Fast Lane...

If 3 times a bridesmaid never a bride...what about 5 times? In May I will be 5 times a Bridesmaid. I've been to so many weddings the past 2 years people often ask me if I have any single friends. The funny thing is that I don't know if it is actually sunk in that most of my best friends in the world have moved on to the married phase of their life. I participate in these weddings, stand next to these girls I'm so close to, read scripture (quiet well might I add) for couples that have grown dear to me, buy shower presents, give toasts...and none of it seems real. I go through the motions..play dress up, smile at the right time, cry (to put it lightly if you would have seen me at my best friend Mandy's wedding) and yet it seems as if I'm in just saying my lines in a big production. I can not process the thought that all of this is happening. I still find myself sitting on the 'L' on the way to work thinking..I CAN NOT BELIEVE SO AND SO IS MARRIED. Married! I am not jealous of these people...I don't even think I'm ready to get married. I still feel like I'm in the awkward teenage years. I want to run around and yell at everyone...what are you doing?!?! Do you realize that this is not pretend. We SURELY can't be old enough to be getting married...and yet I see the scales tipping. Its like being naked in a dream and realizing everyone else is wearing clothes...WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE WEARING CLOTHES?!?!
It is times like this I am very thankful to be living in a place where being single is the 'norm' and even the more socially accepted. I am comfortable here. I know that my girlfriends won't be getting married tomorrow and that I could meet a single guy on the way to work. And perhaps that is the reason for the nakedlike feeling when I go to these weddings...

Gotta myself a little threadbare gypse soul
Likes to dance and drink and go where ever the wind blows
Gotta a little a little threadbare gypse soul
Gotta a little a little threadbare gypse soul

Gotta little wild streak in my heart
I guess I have had it since I've heard the music start
Gotta little wild streak in my heart
Gotta a little threadbare gypse soul

I like to hear the highway sounds
I don't think that I'll ever settle down
I can't change and its a sin, hope Saint Peters gonna let me in
Come on Pete won't you let me in

I wear this Cowboy hat upon my head
You can take it off me sometime after I am dead
Got a cowboy hat upon my head
Gotta a little Threadbare Gypse Soul

I wear these crusty shoes down my feet,
I could write a book about the places that they've seen
I've got these crusty shoes down my feet
Gotta a little wild streak in my heart

I like to hear the highway sounds
I don't think that I'll ever settle down
I can't change and its a sin, hope Saint Peters gonna let me in
Come on Pete won't you let me in

I know this crazy living just ain't right
Most of the time I'm smokin, drinkin, looking for a fight
But I've been talkin to Jesus everyday
I've been talkin to Jesus everday
- Threadbare Gypse Soul, Pat Green & Willie Nelson

For those that are interested...I took a big step today. I deleted Colins name off my Instant Message List. It only took me a month to realize that he actually doesn't want to talk to me any more. Everyday I would open up my list and see his name staring back at me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he cracked...or not. I have come to grips with the fact that he indeed does not want to talk to me ever again and that its okay. I do not have to be friends with all of my ex boy friends...in fact its not really normal. So the deed is done. I no longer will subject myself to his name glowing bright green...Good bye Colin.