Today we lost my mother...

My morning walk to the train always includes a call to/from my mother, it has become a part of our every day routine. I am not sure when or how it started, but it has probably been going on for 6 months. She is on her way to the gym, I am on the way to the train so it's how we pass our commute. Today, she didn't call. I couldn't find her, no response. Okay, I figured she forgot her phone. I waited an hour...no mom...I waited 30 minutes and still no mom...couldn't reach her on her home or cell phone...strange...now I'm starting to worry because on a normal day she has usaually called me 3+ times by now. No one has heard from her...my dad, my sister, my grandma...so we sit and wait, all of us getting a bit anxious. Finally, after 2 hours and 36 minutes of waiting she is found. She forgot to take her cell phone with her. It is now apparent that we all freaked out for nothing but also how reliant we have all be come on cell phones. 10 months ago she didn't even have a phone. Did we not care about her then? Of course we did we just wouldn't have noticed she was gone yet. We use these things like they are attached to our head, and are lost without. I seriously wouldn't even know my sister phone number without it...nor many of my friends numbers. At baseball games we use it to wave at our friends at home when we are on camera, at concerts we use them to find friends in a sea of people, some of us call upstairs when we are downstairs. How would we find my father in the mall without it? Amazing technology but today made me realize that we get a little carried away sometimes.

The wedding dress guy...

Only 3 hours left, don't know if you can view after the bidding is closed...but its worth a try, its hilarious:

The Ebay Wedding Dress

There is something about Milligan Friends...

There is something about the people you meet at Milligan College that is unlike people you meet in any other place. "The Piesly's"...as I like to call them now thanks to Alina...called me on Sunday. I haven't talked to them in probably 6 months and yet we talked like we were sitting around the lunch table. Kelli also called me Sunday...I probably talked to her every couple of months but I still feel like I can vent my frustrations of the opposite sex to her (or any of the other Milligan girls) like it was a late night in Hart 204. Its playing Mario Kart with Stephen Jones like we were in Web 311. Or staying up late with CP talking about Harry Jam. The list goes on. They are the type of friends that you can pick up the phone and pick up from where you left off. No matter how long it has been since you've talked, no matter how much distance is between you...its a genuine friendship like none other I have ever experienced. Some of those friendships are based on only a semester or two of time at MC yet that doesn't seem to matter. If there is one thing that I got out of Milligan (and there are actually many many things I took away from that magical...okay maybe magical is not the correct phrase) is friendships with people that I really do believe could last a beyond a life time. Sorry for the cheesy post, I know I'm one chorus away from busting out the Michael W. Smith classic "Friends" but I never want to forget to thank God for the great people that have invested their lives in me and who provide me with more joy then they will ever know.

Ode to The Piesly's...

Now I know you don't have the best view of blogs but Piesly, I think you will laugh, cry, maybe even weep. And in the end...I bet you will want to start a blog of your very own.

I take it back...

The comments are still screwed up. If you click on the 'Check master server' link you will able to see the correct comments in a new template. What can you expect for free...mind you the link to 'Please donate or upgrade now' always works...amazing isn't it.

Electronics and such...

For some reason I have the worst time ever when it comes to buying electronics. You would think for an 'IT Specialist' I would not have a problem in this department but I do. There are to many choices...to many sizes, to many price ranges...more memory, less memory...wide screen, flat screen...24 inch, 27 inch, 36 inch...I had more stress over buying my laptop then I did over starting my first job or moving to Chicago. I am in the process of buying a new TV and a MP3 player. I have space limitations in my place when it comes to the TV. I looked around Best Buy for an hour tonight and left empty handed. I have been talking about buying an IPOD for a month now and haven't taken the plung. Some might think it's because of the high price tag on these items that gets me freaked out...but really I don't think its that. I knew with my bonus check a month ago these are the 2 purchases I would spend it on. I think maybe it is more of the concern that as soon as I do make the purchase something bigger and better will come out and I will have buyers remorse. Who knows. Anyway I am putting a deadline on myself...by June 1st I will have a new TV and a new IPOD. No excuses...No regrets...it's time to suck it up and make a decision.

Comments Comments...

I think the comments button was broken...or Steve booby trapped it so I couldn't respond to his remarks. Anyway, I think I fixed it but I don't know. Let me know if you can see the comments.

A lot of Prayer and a little hard work finally pays off...

Well, I did it. I got the promotion I have been moaning and groaning about for the past couple of months. It has been a area of high stress and worry for me. It doesn't necessarily change my views on my company nor will it change my future actions. However I have to say it feels really SWEET. I am very happy that I am finally being recognized for the work that I do (not to mention be paid for the work that I do). Stephen Jones...how about another salary bet?

A Trolley Full of Human Banana's

Yesterday a strange thing happened while I was taking a walk at lunch. I start to hear a loud ruckus and I figure it is from people protesting in front of one of the government buildings. After a while it becomes more apparent that the ruckus is loud music...the Hokey Pokey actually. I'm searching around wondering where it is coming from and I spot a trolley...as it gets closer I see a man dressed as a banana...as it gets even closer I see multiple bananas...and when it is about to pass me I see possibly 25 human banana's. Who could not laugh at this sight? I think it may have been one of the most random hilarious things I have ever seen. I see they are all holding Jamba Juice cups...obviously promoting the new store. 2 peels up for this one. They made my day.

My least favorite part of the day...

It is 11:19...I have missed my bed time by 19 minutes and counting. I hate going to bed. I really do. I'm not sure why...maybe because I know that it means tomorrow is almost here and I just have to get up and go to work...maybe its because I just am not ready to go to bed...but I am an '8 hour girl' and really have no choice...maybe I'm rebelling against the 7:00 bedtime my mom gave me when I was little...maybe because it is the first time in the day where everything is quiet except for the thoughts going through my head. Maybe I should consider being quiet more..

If April Shows Bring May Flowers...What Do Tornado's Bring?

Its is 8:22 on a Tuesday...we have been having tornado watches all evening and it was just updated to a warning...the weather man says be prepared to take cover...we have had the annoying 'emergency broadcast system' beep break through 'The Real World' twice. Where exactly do they expect a girl who lives on the third floor of an apartment complex to 'take cover'? There's always the stairwell...but then again the doors/walls are glass windows...there is the moldy laundry room...but then there are windows in there too...so I guess I stay seated on my couch...listening to the rain hit the roof (one of my favorite sounds) waiting to hear the freight train.

Today on the train I one of my favorite things happened...as the train heads north out of downtown I got to see the city disappear in the clouds. The overcast sky's engulf the buildings until you can hardly see them any more. It's always an amazing site to me...watching it from the L...you are right at the point where you are below the cloud but high enough to see what they are doing to the city.

Dream:

Steve Jones and I seem to be sitting in a car...Completely trashed. Considering neither of us are big drinkers this is already a strange one. He decides that he is to smashed to drive so he staggers out of the car, heads to the passenger side, passes out. I then drag him into the car. Knowing that I am the less drunk of the two of us I decide to drive. I drive around the parking lot for a while and then realize that Kobe and Lincoln are in the back seat in their car seats. At this point I know I should not be driving, especially with the boys in the back seat but I continue to do it anyway. Steve and I get out a convenience store. I ask a woman where something is and she tells me but comments on the alcohol she can smell on my breath. I see 2 cops at the counter and am afraid she will tell them that I have been drinking. Luckily she doesn't and I buy some gum to cover it up in case they do ask. I can't remember much more of the dream besides Steve buying some water to try to 'sober up'.

I have already apologized to Wendy for drinking and driving with her babies in the car. It was one of those dreams that you wake up feeling bad. She has accepted my apology.

dream:

Perhaps one of the worst kind of dreams...one that involves a co-worker...one that makes you feel kinda awkward when you see them the next day. My co-workers and I were going on a cruise (what?don't you take all your coworkers on vacation with you?) There were at least 3 that I know were really co-workers that I recognized. We were on a tram that took us to the boat and I forgot my coat on the tram (I'm pretty sure this is coming from an actual experience of leaving my coat on the plane when I flew to Cinci). Anyhow, we never actually got on the boat...but we did turn around and get back on the tram...I'm not really sure why. Next thing I remember one particular co-worker and I were running through the airport. Our hands brushed and I quickly recoiled...you know how you do when you touch someone's hand on accident and don't want them to think there is any funny business. But it happened again..and this time I couldn't recoil because he wasn't letting go. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything but realized, that in this case, it was an inappropriate situation(which to avoid an even awkwarder situation, I will not name names). He then proceeds to kiss me and tell me that we should ditch the rest of the crew...during this time, I can do nothing but search the area making sure no one saw that. I then tell him how wrong this is and that due to his current situations this can NOT be happening (whats with another kissing dream anyway?)...however in this case we will never know what happened because my alarm rudley interrupted me yet again.

Bugs and drunks...

The biggest bug I have ever seen just ran out from under my door. One of those thousand leggers...but a REALLY big one. He ran under my bed, where I am sitting. NOW WHAT?!?!?! I run to the closet...grabbed the bug spray and started spraying hopelessly under my bed. Can that thing crawl up the blankets?!?! Now what?!?! Did I get him...should I pretend that I did?? WAIT! He is retreating! Covered in a white film. TARGET HIT TARGET HIT! CONTINUE FIRE...MOTION DETECTED! He is now covered in a rather thick white filmy substance. Movement ceased. Now I must pick him up and flush him...thats as bad as seeing him for the first time. I know he's dead but he still creeps me out. I get up the balls to do it. Mission accomplished. Except for that odor that now saturates the area around and underneath my bed. Good thing its a nice night...I open the windows and now can hear drunks screaming down the streets...

Relationship Phobia...

I just got home from dancing...my legs were sore, from my little jog yesterday, when I went...after I started dancing I forgot about it...after I sat down for 30 minutes in the car on the way home I could hardly move them...I have blisters on both of my big toes and I'm pretty sure I will not be able to get out of bed in the morning.
My friend Noel analyzed my relationships on our way home tonight. Why people have decided to do this lately I am not sure...is it because I'm 25 now? On my way to 'Old Maidem'? I'm not sure but this has happened twice this month. This time it was actually pretty insightful. Noel and I are friends from swing dancing...we don't talk about deep relationship issues...we dance...and we aren't dancing...we are talking about dancing. So why was tonight different? Noel gave me a ride tonight..so we actually sat in the car for 20 minutes...and you can only talk about dancing for so long! On our way home he said something about...weren't you like dating a guy in Tulsa?...why yes, I did, how did he know that?...apparently he had heard from a friend of a friend...and in all honesty he had guessed Tulsa. His first question to me was...Why do you continue to sabotage your relationships?...WOH...What is he talking about? He doesn't even know about any of my relationships. He asked me what my phobia was with relationships? BACK THE BUS UP...HOLD THE PHONE...why would he think I have relationship phobias?
He replies that I was clearly sabotaging the relationship with the guy in Tulsa...why date a guy in Tulsa...because I knew deep down it wouldn't work. He said it was safe...he was right. He asked me how long my longest relationship was...I said 10 months...he laughs...a lot...hysterically. He says I'm 25 and my longest relationship is 10 months?!?! I thought that was long. Now he is sure I have relationship phobias. He asked me if my parents were still together and how their relationship was or is...they are and its great. This stumps him for a while. I tell him that maybe that's why...because I feel loved and so don't find it that great of a need to find love...he isn't sure. He asked me if I was spoiled...I guess I was a bit spoiled. He asked me how my relationship was with my dad...great, awesome, my dad's a great guy, we get a long, we hang out...he comes to his first of many conclusion:
1. Know that no one is going to be just like your dad. Everyone has their own faults. Everyone is their own person. Don't let this hurt a perfectly good relationship or hinder the possibilities of a relationship.

Fine, I will admit I have compared guys to my dad in the past.

2. Stop sabotaging relationships! Don't start ones that I know won't work out. Stop wasting my time with people in other states...with people with different views on the important stuff. Don't think are going to change or get better. Don't put myself in or sabotage relationships from the get go.

Some how my 'standards' come up. He thinks that a person like me is likely to have standards that are too high. Not that high standards are bad he said...but that:

3. I need to remember that no one is perfect. That we all have our own faults (even if we don't like to admit them).

Okay...I'll go along with that. Although I think I already knew this and I don't really think my standards are to high. We continue to talk about past relationships. At this point many of the puzzle pieces start to come together to him. Why, in my 25 years, have I never asked anyone one(besides once in High School but we both agreed it didn't count)out? Why do I let opportunities past me by to tell people how I really feel? Why haven't I learned from the past that this hurts me? Waiting, hoping that they will do it first so I don't have to?

4. I am afraid of rejection. I have a serious case of rejection phobia on top of the relationship phobia. This could be due to the fact that I was spoiled growing up. I am use to having what I want. I am intimidated by men. I fear that when I am straight forward and upfront that I will be rejected, so instead of setting myself up, I avoid it at all costs.

Noel tells me next time I'm interested, that I shouldn't be afraid to let them know. What's the worst thing that can happen...and that I need to remember that if/when they do say 'no'...they aren't really saying no to me...they are just saying that I am not their 'preference'.

All this in a car trip home. He majored in psychology or took psychology class or something too...and I could tell, he was very insightful on the limited knowledge of my past relationships...and he didn't even charge me! He also said that I probably won't ask anyone one out in the near future...he's probably right...but being aware of the issues in the first place is half the battle. Its a lot to digest. I think he really did make some great observations for knowing nothing about my past relationships. If nothing else he gave me some 'food for thought'.

Oh Happy Day...Friday is here!

Have you ever had one of those days where you stop and ask yourself...what have I done all day? (Whoohoo...Cubs just tied the ball game...homerun by Sosa...bottom of the 9th...no outs...WAIT...ANOTHER ONE..MOSES ALOU...THANK YOU REDS BULLPEN!...CUBS WIN!) That is the question I am asking myself. I do not know where the day went, but I'm not complaining because I am home and 'I don't have to be me till Monday'.
I am going out dancing tonight. I haven't been out in a while so I'm pretty excited. I also am going to get to wear some of my summery clothes which is always fun after not wearing them for 6 months.
I met a new friend at lunch today. He was really sweet, a financial planner, and in a suit. I'm a sucker for a guy in a suit. I met him while out with friends so I'm sure we will run into each other again.
I think a nap is a necessity this evening before a night of dancing...ttfn.

What a day!

The weather was great today. I couldn't wait to get out of the office! I took a run this evening. It was so good to be outside in this great city...the fresh air...the activity...pick up ball games...softball leagues...kids playing in the park...joggers...walkers...I'm praying we have shook the cold weather but this is the Chicago, where there are 2 things we never can fully put our trust in...the weather and the Cubs. I hate running but today actually wasn't all that bad. Tomorrow is suppose to be just as nice. I will not complain.

Gets me every time...

Why is it that every time I am watching Survivor and they do the 'letters from home bit' I end up in tears??? EVERY time! They do it every season and I can not watch that episode without bawling. These people did this to themselves...why am I crying...

Name Change...

As you can see I've decided to change my blog name for the time being. 'Randomness' was used for the lack of better idea at the time but now that I have hit my 25th year I think that 'Quarter Life Crisis' is more appropriate for this stage in my life.

I'm working from my parents house today. I had a doctors appointment this morning so it was just easier to stay here and go then try to get back to work. It has been a pretty peaceful day. Its nice out today so I have been working outside this afternoon. I think this could be come addicting.

The Cubs served up a beating today instead of taking one. Its going to be a long season.

Dream:

I continue to have dreams that involve me ex-boyfriend. We don't seem to be getting back together in the dreams but he continues to show up. 2 nights ago I saw him from a distance and I found out that he had been talking to my parents and they weren't telling me. Last night he was sitting in the bleachers about 20 rows behind me and although I knew he was there we didn't talk. He is obviously in my dream for one reason or another. I don't feel like I think about him a lot any more but I think deep down I have a lot of guilt over the situation. I am sad how things ended between us. Sad that he never wants to talk to me again. Sad that he may have a mental disorder and not know it. Worried that he still may not be dealing well with everything. I could be kidding myself though and he's fine...moved on and I'm the one still lingering over the past. Even though I don't want to get back together with him I think I am being hard on myself and no matter how much I try to reassure myself that there is nothing I can do about it I can't help but have these feelings of guilt. So although I try not to think about it, sometimes as I lay in bed at night my mind can't help but think about it... pray that he will be okay. So maybe I just answered my own question as to why he makes a reoccuring cameo. I know that I can't beat myself up over a hopeless situation but its hard not to for some reason...

One day after 25...

I was in the gym today starting to think what I was doing with my life. How long I wanted to live in my apartment...if I would ever buy a car...and I decided that I kind of feel like my life is on hold because I feel like I need to make decisions about these things but haven't. I feel the need to own property...but where, when, how much? I don't want to move but I do I really want to continue to give 22% of my income for a roof over my head that is not even going to be mine after it is all said and done? The I stopped myself and wondered why I was worry about this all the sudden. Was it because I just turned 25 and feel like I need to grow up? Why can't I continue living like I am? Is there a problem with it? According to David Bach who wrote the book that I'm currently reading, 'Automatic Millionaire' (which I highly recommend), there is no way I will ever become a millionaire if I continue renting...is he right? Do I care if he is?
Stephen asked me this weekend if after my recent relationship 'mishaps' if it changes how I feel about what I want. I don't know. I do think I have a better attitude and am happier when I am with someone, and if you know me at all you also know that the previous statement is probably one of the hardest things in the world for me to say.
I'm not sure why I am rambling on about my deepest fears and concerns but I guess turning 25 has really made me start thinking that maybe it is time for me to take a hard look at what and why I do the things I'm doing. Maybe I need to change things...maybe i don't...and maybe...just maybe that on this...my 25th year on this planet...I will witness the Cubs win the World Series. We will just have to wait and see what a differance a year can make.

Back to the Grind...

I flew back to Chi-town this morning. My only regret is booking at 6:40 am flight. That is 5:40 cst which means I've been up since about 3:30 and came straight to work. GREAT IDEA...or not. I'm struggling. My eyes are going a little cross right now. Another bad idea is scheduling an afternoon meeting with your boss to discuss your promotion possibilities after major lack of sleep. Wow, for that fact alone I don't deserve one.
Cincinnati was a lot of fun. I was really looking forward to the trip to get away from things here and just relax which I feel was accomplished. The boys are getting big. Kobe chose to ignore that I exist and I'm okay with that. He's 2. Lincoln, on the other hand, doesn't mind me and in my mind might even like me, we'll see how long that lasts.
My parents are taking me to dinner tonight. The big 2-5 has arrived. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I am actually in pretty good spirits for how tired I am so I guess that is a good sign.
Okay, I can't think any more...meeting w/ my boss is 24 minutes.

Cubs Win!

Great game in Cincinnati today. Wood seemed a little shakey but hey maybe it was first game gitters or something. We are off to a good start, lets see where the season takes us.

One day closer to the 'Big One'...

I continue to comment on how fast my life has flown by the past 6 months, so much so that I feel like I've come around full circle. It seems appropriate to start the Cubs season off in Cincinnati, after all it is where I went to my last game of the 2003 season. I can remember the excitement and the anticipation of knowing the Cubs actually had a shot, of course the disappointment as I watched it crumble away shortly after that game, and then the thought having to wait 6 months until the next season started. And here I am, back in Cincinnati...the same excitement and anticipation that I did then, of course in the back of my mind, the disappointment of knowing what it means to be a true Cubs fan, and also the realization that again, its going to be a long 6 months. So tomorrow it starts, what will this season hold, no one knows. Will this be the season the curse is lifted? And if it is does that change the definition of what a Cubs fan is?
Do we even know how to act as winners? I don't know about you, but I can't wait to find out.

Coincidence:

Today at work I get a random message from a co-worker asking me if I was back with Colin. Puzzled, I could not for the life of me figure out why in the world she would be asking me this. I quickly reply that if I am it is news to me, Colin and I haven't exactly been on 'speaking' terms the past 2 months. Mind still reeling, I ask why in the world she would ask me that. As a team we are asked to record our vacation on a team calendar...Apparently there are 2 lonely names on Monday, April 5th. Mine is one of them...one guess who the second is. If I didn't know the status of the relationship I would probably be asking the same question. Either way, I know that I will have the better day on Monday...after all, what beats the first Cubs game of the season...even if the high on Monday in Cincinnati is 50 as of right now...

Dream:

So I am in my office, and a long comes a 'friend' of mine that just happens to be single and attractive. I am very impressed that he found my office and made time to stop by to chat for a while. For some reason there are bags of tootsie rolls on my desk...not sure why. Anyway, all of the sudden we are rudely interrupted by my cell phone. In a circumstance such as this I would usually choose to ignore that the phone even exists. However, since we in the office, and it is ringing rather loud I decide that I better answer it. I am digging through my purse like a mad woman trying to find the dang thing...I finally get to it in time to find that my Dad has just hung up. GRRR...then I figure, maybe this is not a bad thing, after all my 'friend' is still here. So we resume conversati...the phone starts ringing again...although things are becoming a bit fuzzy now...my 'friend' is drifting away, no, don't go...but its to late...this time it is not my cell phone...in fact it is not in my dream at all. It is my home phone. I jump up and run in time to answer it and find out it's my mom...for real. Asking me why I never answered my cell phone...